My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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