I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
