nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We left the knife in your bed.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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