she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
