apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The uberlube is also flammable
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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