He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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