WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
