Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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