You don't have asthma, your pregnant
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
