I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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