I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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