dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
