This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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