mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
