she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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