You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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