I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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