He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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