I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
