OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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