Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
