so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
