Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
