Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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