dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
