We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
