So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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