You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think pants incapable of making pants work
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize