he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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