If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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