i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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