theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
