we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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