Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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