i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize