If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
