Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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