Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
