it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize