you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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