the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
