Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
