He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
