I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
