my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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