Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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