I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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