if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
