Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
