Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
