I looked at my own cervix.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
