$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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