hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Randomize
