Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
