Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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