I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
