i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
